Understanding my personal history and relationships using my core model of working.

      

My understanding is that by coming from an unstable background, by this I mean being in foster care so I had attachment issues, I also had very bad behaviour towards authority and men, due to being taken away from my mother and not having a father  / male figure in my life even though I longed for love and acceptance,  I developed a low sense of worth, and would try to win approval from others while I tried to avoid disapproval by any way possible and then becoming a victim of the conditions of worth. 

Because of my low self-concept my orgasmic valuing process was in conflict due to the need for positive regard, approval and longing for a loving parent to belong to. This caused me emotional pain resulting in incongruent behaviour through my teens, this came out as skipping school and drinking / taking drugs and eventually lead to my wanting to take my own life at the age of 12.

Even though my behaviour was bad and I was in emotional stress ,I had a very deep need to be me and be better the order I got, this was self-actualisation. As I was fortunate to meet some good people/ counsellor who gave me unconditional positive regard, empathy and congruence, which gave me the right conditions for personal growth and we worked together on my self worth and introjected values. I did not have this all at once but experienced it a few time growing up.

I then became more trusting ,I’m confident in myself  and making my own decisions and using my internal locus of evaluation instead of external locus evaluation, I am still working through the 7 stages to becoming a fully functioning person on different areas of my past as to be me.  Know I understand how theory is to my self I can also understand how it applies to clients, with what ever the client brings to the sessions.

Different setting to find counselling for drug and alcohol misuse.

There are many settings in which you can go to for drug and alcohol counselling, they may be anything from a residential treatment Centre, daycare programs, hospitals, drop in needle exchange, private clinics, social services in the department of substance use team, specialist counselling agencies or  doctors surgeries and even a drug dependency unit known as (DDU). Each place will have its own specialist area and aims. 

Several counselling therapies are available for drug and alcohol abuse but no one method is known to be best. Equally no single approach as appropriate for everyone with an addiction. The right drug and alcohol abuse treatment plans are tailored to a persons addiction and to the individual needs. You can have personal counselling therapy but it is also good to be involved in a group therapy, other people are  more likely to challenge and support you as they are also going through rehabilitation. There are programs like the 12 step, narcotics anonymous, AA meetings, so if I was the counsellor I would be aware that even though I would be seeing a client with an addiction, they may even be involved in an outside support group as well as their GP.

There are many approaches in alcohol and drug counselling, they can be divided into four basic models which are:

1, Harm minimisation model, this means that you can go to places like needle  exchanges where you can be taught how to be safe when using drugs, and how to look after yourself without sharing needles and spreading HIV, AIDS and many more diseases.

2, Controlled use and social learning theory model, this means having help in reducing the level of drugs taken to a safer level, and to get some information of how to come off drugs and their side-effects of using.

3, The 12 steps model, examples of this would be AA model for alcoholics Anonymous, The Minnesota model. These groups are self help groups where you can go to  meetings, the addiction is seen as a disease and methods are away of beating it.

4, Psychotherapeutic counselling, it is a talking therapy and is focused on a persons issues and any past  difficulties that's may be a factor in the substance misuse.

(I am aware that the level of help and support can depend on the area you live in.)

Understanding Grief and Loss will happen in life.

                                        

There are 6 different types of categories for loss which are Inevitable Loss, The relationship loss, Loss of identity, developments loss, loss of treasured objects & possessions and accumulated loss, Loss is a very large and very complex area to only write a few lines would not give the whole size of it. To feel loss we first need to have some sort of attachment to the person, item, place or the basic security provided by our attachments. Most of these will cross over into each other, and every one deals with grief and loss differently, but understanding that there are the 4 stages and when working as a counsellor I should be working towards the 4 stages of grief when I am with the client. 

The way I would explain it as if I was to drop a stone into a pond, (Stage 1) the first impact reaction would be shock something actual happens, then you would get the (Stage 2) first ripple which does not have the same impact as the initial drop, but still with some protest and anger / force. The (Stage 3) second ripple would happen but not with the same force as the first one and more spaced out, like feeling a little lost and but in the correct direction and the (Stage 4) last ripple would be an even less of a force and would be more to wards reorganisation. How ever there are times when a few stones may be dropped and would make more ripples / complications (accumulated loss) but the movement outward would be the same. There are then obstacles lets say a wall in the pond which can bounce back the small ripples, by this I mean it is possible for clients to move backwards in the stages. You cannot change loss or what has happened after the loss, only work towards understanding it and eventually accepting loss, and putting coping mechanisms in place. 

I understand that it is possible I will feel out of my depth and comfort zone at times when I work with clients facing loss. I would need to identify any challenges I have that I may have and manage them (supervision is my first thought/ private therapy too), so they do not affect the client work in any way. The reasons why we feel this loss is down to the level of attachment we have with the person, place or item. It is important to understand the connection attachment has with grief and loss, an example would be this study of grief and loss by Sigmund Freud, his early paper ‘mourning and Melancholia’ that was published in 1917 was regarded as classic Study bereavement. I understood it to be that he was arguing that the psychological purpose of grief is to withdraw emotional energy from the deceased and then to become detached from them. I also understand that segment Freud Believe that person was to work through his or her loss and grief by reviewing and reflecting thoughts and memories of the deceased, by this process it was believed that bereaved can achieve detachment from the deceased and that the person grieving connections to the deceased will lesson. 

Developing my self awareness.

Back in week 6 in 2013 I did a session in class on Bowlby’s and Mary Ainsworths Attachment Theory and I found this very interesting, and after reflecting this information I believe I have found the explanation on why my relationship with my mother has been so rocky over the years. This is the conclusion I have come to:

I understand that the first relationship sets the path to how I will be in other relationships, I have had many fall outs with my mother and never seeing eye to eye on anything and it ends in arguments, but back at the end of November 2013 my relationship has become much better, the reason why is ME, I think  and see things differently. Well after reading the theories I understand that  my emotional bond was broken between myself and my mother at a very early age, due to being separated from my mother as she was sent to prison and no father figure was about for support,( or caregiver) I feel my attachment towards my mother was broken along with the trust. This separation happened a further 7 times between the ages of 3 – 7 years old. I can now see that my mother had been trying to reach out to me many times, and I would push her away, and the arguments would come from the frustration we both felt. With this information now I feel I understand that when the bond was broken over the space of a few years I became to know that trusting my mother would result in further hurt and the feeling of abandonment too. 

Working on these things in personal therapy I now have a new relationship with my mother , which is good as I understand why the way it was before and she understands how I feel, I understand her feeling too. We have both taken a step back and understand each other’s needs, I feel less stressed and angry towards her when we are together. The relationship is not perfect but I feel at last we have some kind of calm relationship. 

Use counselling theory to understand own relationships.

This work is from Level 3 counselling course back in 2013.

Today I felt that I needed to write about my relationship with my uncle’s friend after writing him a letter. My uncle spent most of his life in prison and ended his own life there too. After the funeral I was given his belongings, suicide note and came across a letter from his friend who was also in prison with the same name as my uncle. I wrote him a letter explaining about the death of my uncle, I was not sure why I did this until now, I think now that I did not want it to be final and I had many unanswered questions plus I did not want to believe my uncle could take his own life, I guess the feeling of abandonment was just as strong as the feeling of loss. It was like a double barrel when reflecting as I needed my uncle in my life due to never meeting my father. My uncle filled in this empty space of the male / farther figure, even though I have only known him for 10 years or so.

I have carried on writing to my uncle’s friend and at first it eased the pain of loss and it lessened the feeling of abandonment, I feel now I have formed a friendly relationship and like to think my uncle’s friend also benefited from my letters, as he now seems to be less angry at the world and himself, I have come to terms and I understand my uncles suicide note he left me and the answers to my questions I had, no longer feel they need to be answered , I do not feel the full pain any longer, but come away feeling I could empathise with family’s that experience suicide. Writing words on paper to someone you do not know has been very therapeutic experience for me and I have now come to terms with the loss of my uncle. I now understand the feeling of abandonment and why I felt this way from my uncle’s death which I no longer feel.

I am not sure where this relationship will go or when it will end, but I do feel much better about having it than not at the moment, I like to think that my uncles friend sees hope for a better life, as I understand how life is for him, living it through my uncle over the years, seeing and feeling the pain prison life has on a person. As all you can do is reflect on your actions and past experiences wishing you did it another way, or the reasons why you did certain things. I do not feel I can save him, but feel if we are both healing inside from this relationship and I know it will end soon, but it has helped me to heal slowly. This relationship has been a coping mechanism for me and for me to understand my uncle’s thoughts before taking his life. I guess you never really understand a person unless they are being honest with themselves, and to do that I feel you must understand your feelings and where they are from. I am still learning about myself now, and know that soon I will be at peace with just being me. We all have our own problems or issues but when you really think about it all, do you really want it to reflect who you are?

A Turkish Home From Home

As I write this I am sat on the patio of the Evden Eve villa, one of the Orka Club Hotel Villas in Turkey at Ölüdeniz. I must admit that I have medium expectations on what it would be like. But I was amazed at how beautiful it was, from the design to the cleanliness, it is a 4 bedroom all have their own bathrooms, large kitchen / dinning area with a moden living room, which has large Patio doors leading on to the pool and the veranda. 

Will leave you with some photos and update this post later on .....

External Assessment, self awareness exit of L2

This was written back in 2009 for my final external assessment. This was to show my understanding and self awareness, however I was unaware of how important this is self-awareness until I started my Counselling skills Level 3. This will be always ongoing, but will be the best thing you ever give to your self:))

Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have on your training.

Writing External Assessment Unit 3 

An extended piece of reflecting

Date:   29th June 2009

Question: What expectations did I bring?

The expectations I came with was, I was going to understand myself more so I could change my feeling or know why I felt certain ways. I wanted to be myself always and just be happy with being me.

What did I experience?

Question: What I understand counselling to be and what I understand is not counselling.

My understanding of the term counselling is it is always at the request of the speaker who is having difficulty or feeling any distress in their life as no one can be properly sent for counselling. The listener provides the speaker with an agreed contract and boundaries. This is always done in a timed, private setting and is confidential, having a beginning, middle and an end. Also Counselling in the UK is working inalinement with the European standards and you will not find a counsellor trying to solve your problems for you but will travel your journey with you. Another way of defining counselling to which I agree is “Counselling is an opportunity for both healing and self-exploration.  Counselling offers individuals an opportunity to deal with challenges, losses or changes in their life in a supportive environment.  Through talking, reflection, and analysis, counselling helps people to approach their circumstances from a new perspective, receive support to get through difficult times, and improve their quality of life” (Ann-Marie James, 2009) and  Counsellors are members of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) to which they  have ongoing training, supervision and ongoing accreditation.

 Some other helping relations might be similar or can use active listening skills that a

 Counsellor will have for example, nurses, emergency services, and phone services like Samaritans or your doctor, but these are not unique as it is with a counsellor. For example your doctor will be situated in a private setting, it may be confidential and sometimes timed. but they will not have a contract with you or any boundaries and they can try and diagnose you, or any problems, they can try and fix your problem, or give you advise, however a counsellor will not try to solve your problems or give you advice or push you in any direction, but will listen and travel your journey with you in the here and now.

Question: Different types of counselling

There are over 400 hundred types of counselling, one is Person Centered Therapy (Carl Rodgers 1902-1987) which is non-directive also known as Rogerian therapy, this approach is based on that each individual has it in themselves the resources they need for growth, and all are capable of achieving their potential, this is helped by applying the core conditions which are necessary for sufficient therapeutic change. The core conditions are unconditional positive regard, Empathy and Congruence. This is different to Gestalt Therapy because the person Centered believes that the speaker is the only one that knows what’s right for them so there is no need for role playing or having to create patterns with objects. But what they have in common is they both focus on in the here and now.

Another type of counselling is Gestalt Therapy (Fritz Perls 1893-1970) it is directive unlike the Person Centered Therapy, Gestalt Therapy is an experiential therapy these experiments can be anything from creating patterns with objects and writing to role playing. It focuses on gaining a self awareness of emotions and behaviors in the here and now rather than in the past. The speaker becomes aware of what they are doing and how doing it and how they can change themselves and learn to accept and value themselves. As a human being is a unified organism. Gestalt is a holistic approach, emphasizing the interaction between self and environment, mind and body, mature and immature feelings, and other aspects of experience which are sometimes seen as separate and different. (Val Potter. P 87) Home work can be given like the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Dream work is also used in Gestalt therapy again like the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy this is to help the speaker gain some insight into their feelings. 

Another is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) (Aaron Beck) focuses on the present and not the past like the Person Centered and Gestalt Therapy. CBT is based on the premise that emotional distress is caused by the way we think, and that changing our way of thinking alleviates worry, anxiety and emotional distress.(cygnet health care, internet site) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps the speaker to overcome difficulties’ by changing their thinking ,emotional responses and behavior. This is evidence based with measured outcomes and the speaker usually gets homework like Gestalt and unlike the person centered therapy. 

Question: Three skills gained with illustrations of their use.

One of the first skills used to demonstrate active listening is Reflecting, this is when you are repeating the clients words to them in the same order they were used. This is done so the client feels you heard them correctly, 

Example;   Speaker: I am feeling angry today.

                  Listener: You are feeling angry today

The second skill used to demonstrate active listening is Paraphrasing; paraphrasing can be know as the comma, this is done when you use some of the listener words and phrases but in your own wording and not in the same order. Making sure you don’t interpret any of words or your feelings. When paraphrasing is used it helps the client feel understood and that you heard what they have said.

Example:   Speaker: My husband is expecting me to cook tonight, and I have piles of           

                                  Written work to do and my boss is harassing me now.

                  Listener: You have many demands placed on you.

Another skill used to demonstrate active listening skills is using Open Questions, which encourages the speaker to express their own thoughts and feelings. Open questions help to seek clarification, to establish mutual understanding and can gauge the speaker’s feelings too. This helps to deepen the relationship between the speaker and the listener.

Example:    Speaker: My parents have split up and my grades are failing at school, I                                       

                                   do not know what to do.

                   Listener: Can you tell me how you feel about your parents splitting up?

Where do I want to be in the future?

Question: What changes can I identify (if any) from taking the course?

When I started this course I was having problems in the relationship with my mother, and now it’s much better, I feel that I have learnt a grate deal from this course which has helped me to listen better and being aware of what stops me from listening, I also feel good about being me too, as I have come to learn that people have their own conditions of worth, and I feel its ok to let people see the real me because I listen and act on my own internal locus of evaluation.

Question: What future training has the course experience motivated me to consider?

  I feel I have travelled my own journey through the course and became more happy, I found I wanted to learn more and felt the need to change my career to counselling, Every time I think about the change I get excited and push myself harder, this has now lead me to think about the Foundation Degree in Counselling 2009/2010.

Question: How is the course ending for me? My thoughts and feelings.

I feel the course is not really ending for me, but that it is just the beginning of my 

journey, I feel I will continue to develop myself and my relationship with others, I 

think and feel that I am a more confident person. I am happy and grateful to the group I worked with over the last 10 weeks, and have made many real friends to which I will 

keep in contact with. I started the course unhappy, lacking confidence and unsure of myself, but at the end of the course I became happy, gained more confidence and know who I am with the future path I want to take.

Word count 1330

References

Cygnet health care (1988) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Available at http://www.cygnethealth.co.uk (accessed on 28^th June 2009)

Ann-Marie James, (2007) The Life Story Therapeutic. Available at http://www.reading-coundellor.co.uk (accessed on 20^th June 2009)

Val Potter. (1997) Is counselling training for you, Sheldon press.